The Fight About the Dishes Is Never Really About the Dishes

Apr 8

A reflective listening exercise for couples who are sick of fighting about the small stuff

It’s Wednesday night, your back aches, your kids are finally asleep, and all you want is to sink into the couch and watch that new sci-fi show on Netflix…

But you and your partner are fighting again about how to load the freaking dishwasher, and your blood is simmering, and you can’t figure out why you care so much about this stupid issue.

You’re doubting everything about your decision to commit your life to someone who loads the dishes like a raccoon on meth, and who refuses to take your incredibly reasonable feedback with grace or gratitude.

And on top of that, you know this is a ridiculously silly reason to break up your relationship, but in this very moment it feels like the absolute last nail in a deeply buried coffin of miscommunications and hurts.

It’s impossible that two fully-grown adults, with degrees and complex jobs, are getting hung up on this – and yet here you are, hands shaking, on the verge of tears, wanting desperately to feel understood and accepted, but feeling farther away from your partner than ever.

This Isn't What You Signed Up For

This is not what you thought partnership would feel like. Long, slow kisses and professions of adoration – sure! A deep sense of comfort and security, punctuated by steamy sex in the shower – why, yes!

Disney and rom coms set us up for grandiose expectations of happily ever after, but there aren’t realistic cultural templates for the nitty gritty business of how to cultivate and maintain long-term loving partnership.

Many of us grew up witnessing parental relationships that ranged from avoidant to explosive – so not much help there either. And it’s not like there was a class in school called “Compassionate Communication 101” or “How to Navigate the Hard Stuff with Your Partner.”

Nobody Taught Us How to Do This

As a couples therapist, the number one issue my clients want support with is communication. Neither partner feels heard or understood, and neither wants to be the first to listen because they fear their perspective will be lost.

Which leaves everyone feeling alone, disconnected, self-protective, and longing for more.

One of the things I love about my job (and about being a therapy client myself) is that I get to witness and experience the power of feeling heard and understood. When that happens, our bodies can settle into a profound sense of release, acceptance, and calm. We’re able to set down our protective weapons and soften into care for the other. It’s a beautiful gift to offer another being, and to receive.

Why Couples Stop Feeling Heard

Don’t get me wrong though – deep listening can be hard, especially when we’re pissed off and protecting our tender squishy hearts. And, because most of us were not taught how to listen, it doesn’t always come easily.

The Three Ways We (Accidentally) Stop Listening

Instead of listening to understand our partner and their experience, we often default to:

Listening to figure out where they’re wrong and build our case for why we’re right
Listening to figure out how to fix their problem or tell them why it’s not as bad as they think
Pretending to listen while we secretly tune out because we’re too overwhelmed / tired / over it to care

If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of someone who is only listening to prove their point, or tell you how to solve your problem, or straight up listening to their inner Spice Girls soundtrack instead of to you, you know that it does not feel good. It feels flattening, or maddening, or leaves you even sadder than you were before.

One Exercise That Actually Helps: Reflective Listening

So, knowing how damn hard communication can be, what can we do?

Here is one reflective listening exercise that can help. I use this in my couples therapy sessions all the time, and it’s something you can try together with your partner at home too.

(What is reflective listening, you ask? It’s a practice of listening deeply, and reflecting back what you heard, to see if you understood. It sounds simple, but for many of us it’s actually pretty hard to shift the way we hear and respond, especially during conflict.)

The goal of this practice is for each person to feel deeply understood, and to deeply understand the other.

How to Do It: Step by Step

Pro tip: for your first few times doing this exercise, pick a topic that’s a little sticky but nowhere near nuclear. It’ll be easier to get the hang of this if you’re both able to stay relatively grounded rather than zooming into red-zone fraught topics.

Step 1: Decide who will be the listener and who will be the speaker.

Speaker: Your job will be to communicate your experience and perspective to the listener. Try to bring up only one point at a time, and try to explain it in a way that the listener can hear it – stay away from attacks or argumentation, and stick to your feelings. Your goal is for them to understand you, not to be right.
Listener: Your job will be to truly listen to the speaker and try to understand what they are communicating. Try to set aside your own protectiveness and counter-arguments while you listen. Your goal is to understand their perspective, not to be right.

Step 2: Set a two-minute timer.

Speaker: Share for two minutes what you want the listener to understand.
Listener: Listen to the speaker, trying to understand their experience and perspective.

Step 3: Now it’s time for the listener to reflect back what they heard.

Listener: Share what you understand, and then ask if you got it right or if you missed anything.
Speaker: Clarify anything the listener missed or misunderstood.

Step 4: Now switch roles. Set a two-minute timer and give the listener a chance to speak and the speaker a chance to listen. Repeat as many times as you want.

What It Looks Like In Real Life

Here’s an example of how this might go:

Round 1

Speaker: When you load the dishwasher all crazy, it pisses me off. I’ve told you so many times how important it is to me that it’s organized, especially since it falls to me to unload the dishes in the mornings, when I’m already stressed out by the breakfast mess.

It makes me feel like you don’t care about my preferences. I’m so overwhelmed by the mess our kids make and this is the last straw.

Listener: I heard you say that you’re angry at me for loading the dishwasher crazy, and it makes you feel like I don’t give a shit about you. Did I get that right?

Speaker: You got the first part, but I didn’t say that you don’t give a shit about me – I just feel like you’re not respecting my priorities. And you missed how overwhelmed I am.

Listener: Got it, yeah. I hear how overwhelmed you are.

Round 2

Speaker: I get that you’re particular about the dishwasher, and I know the constant mess really stresses you out. But it drives me crazy to try to be so neat and tidy all the time in all the places. I’m ok with a little bit of mess and it’s actually really stressful to constantly be looking around to see what small mess might set you off.

It also makes me feel like you don’t think I’m good enough when you’re constantly calling me out on every little thing that’s not perfect in the house. It’s like you’re the only one who gets to feel overwhelmed and tired. But I feel like I’m busting my ass to take care of the kids and the bills and you don’t seem to appreciate any of that.

Listener: I heard how stressful it is for you that I’m constantly nit picking you for all the little messes in the house, and that you’re actually stressed and tired too. I also heard that it makes you feel like I judge you for not being a good partner. Did I get that?

Speaker: You mostly got it. You left out that I feel unappreciated for everything I do to support the family.

Listener: Yeah, I missed that. I hear you. Can I let you know that I do super appreciate you? I see how hard you work and I know it’s a lot to take on. Thank you.

Yep, It Feels Weird at First. Try It Anyway.

Yes, I know this exercise might feel rigid and gimmicky at first. Think of it as a support structure while you learn a new skill – a skill that has deep and lasting value to your relationship and sense of connection with your partner.

Once each of you develops your reflective listening skills, you’ll find you can drop the structure in favor of more natural conversation where understanding and connection flow more quickly and easily.

And from there, who knows? Maybe you’ll rekindle some of the lingering kisses and bedtime snuggles that you dreamed of.

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Couples Therapy FAQs

Why do couples fight about small things like the dishwasher?

Small fights are rarely about the thing itself. They're usually the last straw in a longer accumulation of miscommunications and unaddressed hurts. When you're fighting about the dishes, you're almost always fighting about something deeper — feeling unheard, unappreciated, or like your needs don't matter to your partner.

Why is communication so hard in relationships?

Most of us were never actually taught how to listen. We also didn't grow up with many good models — parental relationships that ranged from avoidant to explosive aren't exactly a masterclass in healthy communication. And when we feel hurt or defensive, our instinct is to protect ourselves, not to open up — which leaves both partners feeling alone and disconnected.

What does couples therapy help with?

The number one issue couples bring to therapy is communication — specifically, neither partner feeling heard or understood. Couples therapy helps you and your partner develop the skills to truly listen to each other, express yourselves in ways the other can receive, and move through conflict without losing your sense of connection.